


The Calenture Zone

by FoxOfTheDeep



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, F/F, F/M, Gen, I will try my best to make this in character, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Swearing, You know what you're getting into, a quite ambitious project, this is my tribute to the mcelroys, this is the adventure zone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 19:09:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20729297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoxOfTheDeep/pseuds/FoxOfTheDeep
Summary: Each waking up with two strangers at his side, Merle, Magnus, and Taako make their way through dangerous situations whilst enlisted by a strange but seemingly well-natured organization.Calenture:n. A Feverish Delirium





	The Calenture Zone

**Author's Note:**

> If you've clicked on this fic, welcome! This will be quite ambitious as I attempt to create an original yet inspired story based on The Adventure Zone, a great podcast by the good good McElroy boys. 
> 
> Feel free to sit back and relish in my mediocre typing skills as we take a tour through the world of improvised writing with little more than an outline in the form of an existing work. Also feel free to comment on any improvements I can make to my writing and/or character development/choices. It's all greatly appreciated.
> 
> Also, Arachnophobia TW I guess?

A sudden falling sensation made Magnus jolt awake. He had dreamt of..._his mind went blank._ He couldn't remember. It was all fuzzy. Turning to his left and right, he noticed two figures either side of him. One was elven in form, slender but fit, complete with long, flaxen hair and a wizard's hat that must have been a solid two feet tall. The other was short and stout. Half the key features of a little teapot. He was dwarven and possibly clerical in nature, as Magnus felt waves of calm radiating from his sleeping form.

"What...the fuck?" Magnus said aloud, looking for any discernible reason he would be in this room with these people he didn't know. He tried to stand up, only to have his legs almost melt out from under him. That was a no-go. Suddenly, a voice came from his left side.

"Why the fuck are you disturbing my meditation? I've gotta restore spell slots here, my man." It was the elf, who was looking at him annoyedly with one eye open. For a solid second, Magnus couldn't think of a response. Then he could only stutter out half-questions.

"Um...where? I mean, do you...know? Where we are? Because I sure don't." Magnus asked earnestly. The elf looked around the room, seemingly taking in the scenery, or lack thereof. "Not a clue, my man. But I DO know that I've got full spell slots, so that's top priority right now." He went back to his meditation. _Well, okay then,_ Magnus thought questioningly to himself. _Kinda weird I guess, but whatever._ He turned to the other figure and tried to push him awake.

"Ugh...five more minutes, please, honey." Magnus nudged him harder. "Fine, fine, I'll get up," the dwarf said, opening his eyes. "What the h--where am I?" he asked. Magnus sighed inwardly. _I guess none of us know where we are. This is so wild._ He looked around the room again. This time, he saw the faint outline of a metal door in the wall. He elbowed the elf in the side.

"Dude, do you have any spells you can use to get that open?" he asked, gesturing to the door. The elf seemed to consider, and said, "I mean...I could cast mage hand. But, like, can it wait, homie? Spell slots and all." Magnus groaned outwardly. The elf, now with both eyes open, looked defeated as he said, "Fine, fine. I see how it is. You won't let me concentrate anyway. Might as well."

At that moment, a hand appeared in front of them and began heading towards the door. It tapped around a bit before finding a handle and pulling it open. "Happy??" the elf asked rhetorically. "yeah," Magnus said, patting him on the back. "What was your name, by the way?"

The elf looked almost offended. "It's me, Taako. You know, from TV?"

"Uhh...no."

"You people have no taste, I swear."

The dwarf interrupted with, "Hey, I'm Merle, nice to meet ya. Quick question: Where the hell are we??"

The elf, Taako, shot back, "Keep up, gramps, that's what we're trying to figure out."

_Silence._ Then, the faint sound of footsteps coming down the hall. It reminded Magnus of when he was a kid and had to pretend to be asleep, but much scarier. Through the door stepped a curious foot. Then the head of an orcish woman. She stared at them. They stared back. Until she decided to break the silence.

"So...who are you guys?" she asked, assessing them carefully.

"I dunno, you tell me," Taako said bashfully. "Might as well start fuckin' introducing ourselves. Honestly, I'm hungry, and tired, and..." his face scrunched up, "Feeling emotions. Whom the fuck might you be?"

At that she looked like she was torn between laughing and slapping him. "Well, I'm looking for something very important. It's called the P̸͔̱͌h̷̞͇̾̊o̷͍ę̷͛̎n̵͔̈i̴̠̫̔̋x̴̭̯̍̉f̶̩͒̾i̴̼͆͘r̵̺̆ē̶̹̻̚ ̷͍͙̌g̵̯̈́̆à̴̦u̷̥̿n̴̰̆t̸̤̃̀l̶͉̕͜e̸̱̝͌t̸̜͛. If you know anything about it, feel free to let me know."

More mutual silence. Merle spoke up. "Oh, the..." and at this moment, before Merle could attempt to mimic the grating static sound they'd just heard, a voice sounded from down the corridor.

"Who's zere, darling?" Orc woman pressed a finger to her lips and motioned for them to follow. Magnus motioned to his legs before miming a falling stick figure with his hands. They heard footsteps down the hall growing louder and louder. Orc woman hid behind the door.

"Oh, it's just you zree. Vat do you zink of ze place, hm?" The tall, slender figure in the doorway asked expectantly. Taako immediately responded, "Listen, darling. It's possible there may have been a..." he made a turning gesture with his hands, "Mix-up of sorts. See, none of us know why we're here." His smile brightened, somehow.

"Ooh, darling, your voice! I love your cadence, dear, where are you from?" The man asked. Taako, not missing a beat, responded, "Uh, New Elfington. Now, would you care to clarify?" The figure lulled it over in his head for a minute before saying, "Actually...I don't think I can. Do you know of the P̸͔̱͌h̷̞͇̾̊o̷͍ę̷͛̎n̵͔̈i̴̠̫̔̋x̴̭̯̍̉f̶̩͒̾i̴̼͆͘r̵̺̆ē̶̹̻̚ ̷͍͙̌g̵̯̈́̆à̴̦u̷̥̿n̴̰̆t̸̤̃̀l̶͉̕͜e̸̱̝͌t̸̜͛?"

Merle spoke up, "Screw the KCHXSKSXCC! Where the HELL are we!" The figure seemed almost relieved at the outburst.

"Vell, zat iz telling. At any rate, I vould like to know more about you zree. I don't zink introductions will be necessary." He said. Magnus confusedly interjected, "So...introductions _would_ be necessary, then?" The man laughed in his weirdly accented voice.

"Vell, for you, maybe. But my reputation, it proceeds me, vouldn't you agree?" He stepped foward some, revealing a tabard with the design of a white spider against a black background. "I am ze Black Spider!"

Taako said, "Well, alright then. But what's your _name_? Surely you weren't born being known as "The Black Spider"?"

"Vould you be asking for my Christian name, zen?"

"Well, yes, I suppose I would be."

"Ah! In zat case, the name is Brian, darling." He said, smiling. Merle asked, "Are you related to Wendy Darling?" To which Brian replied, "I don't know who zat iz." Taako used that opportunity to use his already existing Mage Hand to caress the Black Spider's cheek.

"Ah. Vell, zis iz a little, uhm, _foward_, iz it not?"

Orc woman took that moment to slam the door, catching the, now clearly elven man, halfway through. She pulled out a large crossbow and said, "Looks like the Black Spider just got squished!" before shooting at a crack in the wall, which began breaking away.

As the wall began to crumble, the Black Spider, called out, "Bryan!" Suddenly, a huge spider came charging through the door to survey the situation. It made Magnus's hair stand on end.

"Oh, I get it!" Taako said aloud.

The spider was huge and black, definitely taller than Magnus. It had eight beady eyes and eight spindly, gangly legs. It opened its mouth, drawing its fangs back and locking eyes with the orc woman, who yelled out, "The name's Killian. Let's get the fuck out of here, yeah?!" Magnus agreed with the sentiment wholeheartedly.

In one movement, she drew back her crossbow--which was huge, by the way--and leapt toward the wall, aiming a flying kick in its direction and shooting off one of the spider's eight legs. She managed to kick a solid hole through the wall. Brian looked playfully outraged as he seemed to be readying a spell of sorts. Mustering all the strength he could, Magnus stood up and prepared himself to punch something. Taako and Merle did the same, pulling out a wand and...hand symbols respectively. 

The Black spider pushed open the door trapping him with a surprising amount of force, and said, "Vell...I vas going to invite you for a chat, but it seems zat my evening plans have had a little setback. Hm? Vouldn't you say, my dears?" Taako puffed out his chest.

"Actually, I have something I'd like to say!" He pointed his wand at the drow. "Abracafuck You!" He yelled, and three bullets fired from the tip of his wand, all directed at the Black Spider, who staggered backwards. Magnus took the axe strapped to his back and attempted to swing it at the Black Spider, who barely dodged out of the way.

"Ooh, isn't zis exciting? You're going to need to try harder to hit me, darling!" He said.

Magnus was pretty sure he was a fighter. He was tall and brawny, having multiple scars scattered across various parts of his body. So, running on what was basically pure instinct, he took the axe that was now in his hands and started taking reckless but deliberate swings in the Black Spider's direction. During this process of backing him into a corner, Magnus swung his axe out so that it cut through the area in front of him, bringing his body around and throwing it at the hole in the wall Killian had made, breaking through. Using the momentum of the throw, he socked the Black Spider in the temple, causing what seemed to be a pretty nasty bruise. Taako used that opportunity to use magic missile again, the three magical bullets seeming to do a lot more damage than last time.

"Oohh, another" --cough-- "magic missile zen, aha? I almost didn't, ehm, recognize it. Here iz vat MINE looks like!" The lean drow dodged out of the way of Magnus's second fist attack, shooting three glowing arrows at Taako. Upon the impact of the last arrow, Taako's form began to crumble, and his eyes fluttered shut. Suddenly, he fell into a heap on the ground, unmoving except for an occasional breath. 

"Shit," Magnus whisper-yelled. He looked over to the dwarf, who hadn't done much of anything thus far. The dwarf looked back.

"Well, why the hell are ya lookin' at me?!"

"You're a cleric or something, aren't you?! Do something!"

A look of realization spread across his face. "Ohh. I'll see what I can do." The stout man got on his knees and hovered his hands over the immobile form of the elven Taako. Magnus focused his attention on knocking out the Black Spider, who he'd dubbed Magic Brian. He'd have to get behind him to perform a sleeper hold, which he questioned his own knowledge of. Magnus roughly grabbed Magic Brian's left shoulder with his right hand and successfully attempted to turn him around. When Magnus put his arm around his neck, he seemed hesitant to resist, possibly out of fear about how Magnus would react. When Magnus felt the drow's lower body begin to move, he, predicting he would try to stomp on his foot, kicked Magic Brian's knee inwards, putting him in a sort of kneeling position. Magnus tightened his arm around the Black Spider's upper jaw and knocked him out, though the surprisingly forceful elven man tried to resist. Once Magnus was sure he was taken care of, he moved over to where Taako lay, sprawled on the stone ground.

"I've got no spell slots!" Merle shouted, furiously moving his hands back and forth. With that, Magnus scooped up Taako and carried him over to where Killian was making steady progress on widening the hole.

"Thanks to your axe, it won't take as long to get through," she said, whacking the wall with her elbows and fists. "Mind giving me a little help here?"

Placing Taako in such a position that he was sitting against the wall, he headed over to help Killian. He grabbed his axe out of where it had made a big crack in the wall and began slashing away.

"So..." he began, feeling awkward. "Nice weather we're havin', huh?" Killian looked at him funny and said, "You...you realize we're underground, right? In a cave?" Magnus replied, "Yeah," his dorky smile surprisingly unbreaking, though he felt a bit of an awkward atmosphere building. Thankfully, they broke through soon enough, making a hole big enough to climb through. Merle had used his first aid kit on Taako who, though he was no longer unconscious, looked worse for wear. Magnus offered to help him stand up, which he objected to and attempted to stand up on his own.He put on a smug face as he "inconspicuously" leaned against the wall for support. Killian cleared her throat.

"So..." she said, sizing them up. "You guys seem capable, but not necessarily dangerous. As I mentioned before, I'm after the P̸͔̱͌h̷̞͇̾̊o̷͍ę̷͛̎n̵͔̈i̴̠̫̔̋x̴̭̯̍̉f̶̩͒̾i̴̼͆͘r̵̺̆ē̶̹̻̚ ̷͍͙̌g̵̯̈́̆à̴̦u̷̥̿n̴̰̆t̸̤̃̀l̶͉̕͜e̸̱̝͌t̸̜͛, which you guys don't seem to know about. Hm..." She tapped her chin, considering her options. "You guys can come with me, but right now, I'm gonna need you three to say right here." She pointed to the ground, "Capiche?" The three mumbled something in agreement. She sighed a sigh of relief.

"Whew. Great. I'll be RIGHT BACK, I promise. Just...stay here, and don't get into any trouble," she said, running through the hole and into the next room.

A few seconds passed.

"We're totally gonna explore and stuff, right?" Taako asked, pushing himself off the wall and making his way into the next room. "Uh, sure," Magnus replied, following. Merle waddled after them. Upon entry of the hole, they were in a moderately sized room with two tunnels. Taako stopped at the fork for a second before walking down the left path. They strode through, ending up in a chamber with a skeleton wearing a robe and holding an umbrella, and a big door. Magnus went over to inspect the door, while Taako and Merle went over to the skeleton. He overheard their conversation from behind him.

"How the hell did this guy die like this holding an umbrella?", Taako's voice asked from behind his back. "I dunno," Merle answered. Because the door was pretty boring, Magnus turned around, and saw Merle reaching his hand out to the umbrella. However, when he made contact, he was tossed backwards, hitting his back against the opposite wall.

Taako stuck out his lip and said, "Let me try, gramps." He reached out his hand to grab the umbrella. Magnus warned, "Wait a second, Taako," but he tightened his fist around the shaft of the umbrella. He pulled it out of the grip of the skeleton.

"Ha! An item of arcana, conquered by the Great Taako!" He placed it over his shoulder pridefully.

They heard footsteps coming down the tunnel. Then, a voice.

"I thought I told you fuckers not to move."

**Author's Note:**

> If you've read this chapter, then thanks! I know I'm certainly not the best at building atmospheric tension of any kind, so any critique you can give my writing is very very helpful to my growth as an author. Stay tuned to next chapter, I'll try and update every Sunday!


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